As I ponder some of my questionable behavior (the early am beer, I'm sorry but it's just one and it's really tasty) it occurs to me: how much information is too much? How much do you reveal, what do you hold back? Should I carefully craft the story of my existence with severe and disciplined edits, or do I let it flow, stream-of-consciousness, like a waterfall that springs from my soul?
My concern has been: if you truly know me, what will you think of me? And I wonder if I will be loved for the self that happens organically, or for the story others weave about me, gleaned from my carefully chosen words, my artfully posed actions.
If I could express, articulate, what is actually sprung from my mind...how will you see me, and how will that affect your perception?
I have roles, I play them well; I do not find this incongruous with my dedication to reality because not everyone is deserving of meeting the silent witness, the observer, the pilot of my soul.
But for those whom I care, those whom I feel just might...really want to know...I wonder, do I open my life like a book and let them browse, study, pour over it knowing there are secrets that will be cracked, exposed, laid bare for scrutiny?
Whereas I am no fan of rejection, I have kept it closed, this tome, this bible, this book of self, wherein lies all faults and joys and defects and righteous musings.
Shall I pop the lock, flip the cover, flop it down on the coffee table?
Will I?
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1 comment:
I think we must open our books to those whom we develop any consideration for because if we do not open our books and they "leave" us anyway, then what we are left with is the wondering...Had I opened my book and shown my true self, would they have seen what they were looking for and stayed ? We are left with the wondering of what if I had...? Trusted, given, shared, tried...? If we open the book and the see and they still leave us, they still move on or find nothing there of value, then we are left with the satisfaction that it simply was meant to be and may rest easy knowing that there was nothing more we could have done. The person who stays with you when your book is closed, maybe they just like your cover...perhaps, a slow reading aloud of the book by the author, beginning with the introduction, pausing in places for absorption and perusal of illustrations..is the way to begin.
Nicely composed post, well done.
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